The Mask We Wear

Halloween is the one time of year when wearing a mask is part of the fun. For a night, we can become someone completely different. We dress up, play a part and then, when the night is over, take the costume off.

But some of the masks we wear aren't nearly as easy to remove.

Most of us have learned to present certain versions of ourselves to the world. There's the strong one who handles everything. The funny one who keeps everyone laughing. The caretaker who makes sure everyone else is okay. The successful one who always seems to have it together.

And then there's perhaps the most common mask of all: “I'm fine.”

Sometimes these masks serve a purpose. We don't need to share every emotion with everyone we meet. There are times when we have to put our feelings aside temporarily and get through the workday, take care of our children or handle a difficult situation.

The problem comes when wearing the mask becomes our only way of functioning.

The strong person may secretly be exhausted but doesn't know how to ask for help. The funny person may use humor to keep anyone from noticing how much they're hurting. The caretaker may be so focused on everyone else's needs that they've lost touch with their own. The successful person may live with constant anxiety that someone will discover they don't have everything figured out after all.

Eventually, keeping up the appearance becomes exhausting.

Sometimes people don't even realize they're doing it. They've played the role for so long that it has become part of their identity.

I'm the one everyone depends on.

I'm the one who doesn't fall apart.

I'm the one who keeps the peace.

But what happens when the strong one needs someone to be strong for them?

One of the healthiest things we can learn is that vulnerability isn't the same thing as weakness. Saying “I'm struggling” doesn't erase everything you've handled successfully before. Asking for help doesn't mean you're incapable. Setting a boundary doesn't make you selfish. And admitting that you're not okay doesn't mean you're falling apart.

It means you're human.

Taking off the mask doesn't mean telling everyone everything. Not everyone has earned access to the most vulnerable parts of your life. But everyone needs at least one place where they don't have to perform.

That might be with a spouse, a trusted friend, a family member, a support group or a therapist. What matters is having somewhere you can answer “How are you?” honestly.

So as Halloween approaches and masks appear everywhere, consider the ones you may be wearing yourself.

Ask yourself: What am I working so hard to make sure nobody sees?

You don't have to take off every mask for every person. But if you're exhausted from pretending you're okay, it may be time to let someone you trust see what's underneath.

Sometimes the bravest thing we can do isn't putting on a brave face.

It's realizing we don't always have to wear one.